Say something

I write this with a painful and strikingly obvious observation of who I am.

I write this with no real answer to the question that I’ll pose in just a second.

How do you say what’s on your mind?

There’s a certain threshold that exists in being able to say what you’re thinking. It’s that tiny space in between the consciousness that nothing matters at the end of it all, and the fear of backlash and rejection.

Stepping out on a limb. Making yourself vulnerable. Asking for help. Speaking your heart.

Why do I have so much trouble with this?

Recently I’ve been hit – no, bombarded – with this observation of myself. Being a person who feels things on an extremely deep level, is overly anxious and is passive at times, I tend to refrain from saying what I want to say. Though, from time to time, I’ve experienced what it’s like to get something out in the open.

There have been times where throwing the windows wide open have been a disaster. But for the most part, speaking what’s on my mind – within reason – has been incredibly liberating and freeing. I was able to actually dwell in truth, rather than speculation and fear.

When I say that I am passive, I mean that in the sense that I am always afraid to say what’s on my mind. Perhaps it is out of fear of judgement, getting in trouble, or having an emotional reaction. I always imagine how certain conversations will go down – the look in the other person’s eyes, anticipating their reaction, and finally being able to say something that I had held inside for what feels like ages. But most of the time, I just stay quiet. I don’t say what I want to. I let it sit within me, in hopes that one day the feeling will check itself out of my mind.

In its simplest form, I am the prime example of someone who always gives variations of the same response to a simple question. Ask me how I’m doing, I will always say that I’m doing “not too bad”, “okay”, or society’s personal favourite, “fine”. And I don’t mean to flash warning signs everywhere and say that I had been and always will be lying. Many times, I am just that: not too bad, okay, and fine. Sometimes, I’m great, or awesome, or stellar. But sometimes, my “fine” really isn’t.

How do I go beyond the surface and actually dive into what I actually want to say?

I had been dealing with variations of this theme in a number of areas of my life recently. There are so many things I want to say and ask, but can’t get over the fear of actually saying out loud.

In conversation today, someone said this to me: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Put another way, “You don’t ask, you don’t get.” And still another way, “Fortune favours the bold.” This is something that has stuck with me for a long time, and yet, I still fumble with my ability to ask and say what’s on my mind.

If anyone has any advice on getting over this, I’m open to it. Any and all of it.

I just want to be able to say what I need to.