The past week has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster, and on top of that, I had the privilege of getting sick AGAIN. Hooray, immune system!
But seriously though, emotional.
Between the scripture readings at masses from the weekend of July 16-17 and this past weekend of July 23-24,homilies, a talk that initially I didn’t even want to go to, and just what has happened over the past 10 days, it seems to me that God was successful in getting me to wake up. He also inspired me to write something after being in a dry spell for a few weeks, so thank goodness for that.
This past week I have been reminded, yet again, that I am only human and that my plans are not my plans alone. People that know me, regardless of how long they have known me, know that I am a very future oriented person. People that have gotten to know me recently will know that as of late I have been carrying around with me a pink planner hat my sister bought from me from Chapters. On the cover it cheekily says “I am very busy” on the front, and in all aspects of the phrase, I find that to be entirely true. When I look at the dizzying array of words, meetings, and tasks, I stress myself out. I think a lot about the future and where I see myself going and what I want.
What I want right now, in fact, is to be in a loving relationship with someone. I am craving companionship, someone special to call my boyfriend, and to grow in a loving relationship with them each and every single day. And I know that most of the time, it’s just infatuation as opposed to love – and I’ve been already warning myself about this nearly a month ago.
The past 10 days have been nothing short of God holding a megaphone to my head and telling me to snap out of it. Him telling me that He knows what is best for me, and that I should just sit back and enjoy the show. He knows what I need, He knows my inner most thoughts and feelings in my heart. And it’s so simple, I just need to literally let go and let God.
But that’s just the kind of person I am, a planner carrying, future thinking, constantly searching type of person. I need structure, I need balance, and I want to know what is waiting for me next week, next month, and next year. I spend so much time thinking about the future that sometimes I neglect to appreciate the stage of life I am in right now.
All this forward thinking, chasing after opportunities and guys that aren’t right for me has pushed me out of respecting God’s plan and being thankful for the person I am today in this particular moment. Over and over again this past week, I have been reminded that God is good and God knows. We are the ones that, lacking in faith, take it upon ourselves to fix things and eventually making it worse. We overcomplicate things, chase after things that don’t matter and try to salvage things that aren’t worth saving.
To put it into context, I recently have been spending time with an amazing guy. I’ve known him for a while now and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be his and to be with him beyond friendship. And in my mind, I felt an undeniable electricity and connection. In a word, I was hooked. He was everything that I look for in a guy – he’s honest, has integrity, is respectful, has a sense of humour and is driven and hardworking. In another word, he’s perfect.
But this is so dangerous, because it gives me a capacity to just fall. Is he the one, or is there someone else? Is there even a someone? I don’t know. It kills me a bit knowing that I have put myself under so much anxiety and stress about it, as do most of my experiences from my past. As mentioned in a homily this past weekend, we have so much anxiety over nothing most of the time, but because we worry so much about what is to come, we don’t leave it to God. We don’t trust Him. I don’t trust Him.
So how can I call myself a believer of Christ if I can’t let Him do the job that He knows best? I’m treating God like that one member of a group project that comes off as someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, despite the fact that they might be entirely capable and intelligent.
Coming back to forward thinking and not trusting God, my biggest anxiety and outright fear is to wake up at 65, 70 years old and not having anyone beside me. Not because they’re dead, but because I never had the opportunity to get married. Because I never found anyone. Though the thought of childbirth scares me, the thought of not having any children of my own, not having any grandchildren to give my parents, it scares me. It saddens me. And I know that I’m ony 20 years old and that I still have a lot of time to think and discern, but at the same time I feel like time is just flying. If I sit back now, I’m going to blink and suddenly be 25, 30 years old. What then?
Despite all of this anxiety and insecurity, I haven’t given God the opportunity to show me what He wants to do with my life. At the end of it all, He may have destined me to the single life. And it’s scary to admit out loud, because I have always seen myself getting married. But I will never know until I surrender and let Him show me. I will never know what happiness He has destined for me until I let go of my own selfish motives and let Him lead me.
These past 10 days I have had many panic attacks, constant feelings of incompetency and overall confusion. At this stage of my life, I should know better. All of this pain that I’m bringing upon myself is unnecessary, but at the same time, can you blame a girl for caring? I don’t know. Maybe I care too much, but that’s just the person I am. I am a big dreamer and a big lover and I want nothing more to be surrounded with good people and love them unconditionally.
Until then, I need to focus my energy back on the one who knows me best and love Him unconditionally, the same way that He has done for me all throughout this gigantic mess that is my life. I need to step back and not get in the way of the life that He has prepared for me. He knows my portion and my lot and what is best for me. He wants me to succeed and prosper.
It’s hard for me, as someone who loves to just take the lead on many things, to be secondary to the director in the movie of my life. That was a cool metaphor to describe my life, but it’s true. God is the director and I’m that one intern that goes and gets Him coffee, or whatever God likes to drink.
This doesn’t mean that I’ll stop loving and stop feeling. If this guy that I’m seeing right now is the one, God will show me in His time. Until then, I will love this guy, as well as everyone in my life, all the same – with respect, with dignity, and all the love and happiness and support that they deserve and need from me.