Just a Little Selfish, Not Lonely

It was really unexpected. All I wanted to do was play badminton after a long stretch (3 weeks) without it, and I was not doing very well.

My usual doubles partner, who has a boyfriend, decided to stay back during badminton time, so I went alone and played with the others. It was then that other people asked where my partner was, so I explained to them that she was talking to her boyfriend.

Then my temporary partner asked me, “Don’t you have a boyfriend?”

To her surprise, I replied no. She then asked if I was lonely, to which I replied, not really.

But the truth is, yesterday I was doing some filing when Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” came on. And it made me feel a certain way.

As in, am I lonely? Am I missing something? Is there something wrong with me?

The reality is, I don’t need a man, yet. I need time to find myself and what I want in a relationship. I need to be a little selfish, especially now, in order to figure out “me”. How can I love someone fully when I don’t know how to properly love myself and my family and friends, and God?

The last “relationship” that I was in was more than a year ago. The healing process that came post-breakup up until recently was filled with a lot of girl power, hanging out with friends, me time and pushing boys to the back burner. As the hurt from the breakup subsided, I started to have a clearer view of the world around me, of boys that I encountered, and clearer expectations for myself and future relationships.

music video animated GIF

At one point, I suppose you could say that I was ready. During this readiness, I met a wonderful guy. Having gone a couple dates with him, I thought that he was the one for me. But God had other plans and it seemed that slowly, the label that I placed on him – “the one” – slowly began to fade away.

Now I’m back to square one with no real prospects.

Returning back to badminton, the question of whether or not I am “lonely” because I’m not dating anyone really stuck with me.  True, I may be slightly over-analytical, but it definitely is something that I think about often.

The truth is, I do envy those who are in long term, committed relationships. It is something that I wish for, but do not obsess over. While it would be nice to have someone to talk to on a regular basis or act as a go to person for hanging out, I am still happy with who I am and where I am in my life. Maybe at this point, I think I’m ready but I’m not actually ready.

Taking the time to be alone and figuring out who I am and what I want is important.  I am having the time of life just by hanging out with friends, pursuing my dreams and taking time for myself. I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes – especially where self-care is involved.

So being single is not a bad thing. I’m ready to take my time, find my own path and grow before I can commit to anything.

“Remember, the time you feel lonely is the time you need most to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.” – Douglas Coupland

x R