So.. hi. Hello.
I wanted to write this post for so long, but somehow I was never able to either complete my thoughts or figure out exactly what I wanted to say. I have a bunch of discarded drafts that are sitting in the trash can, skeletons of unedited vlogs and pages ripped out from notebooks. But I think I have finally achieved some sense of clarity after a few weeks away.
As you may have noticed, this post has probably the most vague and unhelpful blog title to date. You may also notice that it falls under a new category that is sitting in my navigation bar, entitled “Anxiety Diary”. This is the culmination of a few weeks away, a lot of thinking and deliberating, and more down days than up days. There are so many things that I want to say about this topic, and I also have come to the conclusion that this (writing things down, blogging, etc.) is a coping mechanism for me. It used to be other things in the past, but as of late, writing seems to be my jam.
But you all knew that already.
I realize the bigger issue here, one that I hadn’t really talked about until recently, is my anxiety. Truth be told, this is something incredibly new to me. I still don’t get it, and I’m sometimes worried that I never will. In the meantime, I’m trying to rock on and somehow make it work.
When I was in high school, depression was my bully. While I still had bouts of anxiety, they are miniscule in comparison to what they are now. But back then, depression was the one thing that was setting me back. However, it wasn’t always apparent: I made sure that I always had my best “don’t care” attitude when I was facing the world, but in reality I did care. In fact, I cared a lot. I was depressed with my lifestyle, who I was when I was with other people, my lack of a relationship with Christ and just not knowing who I was. I was depressed and stressed out, but I was never this anxious.
High school counselling helped a great deal, and soon enough I was coasting through first and second year. I was having the time of my life, meeting great and like-minded people, learning things that I truly wanted to learn and got involved on campus. Suddenly though, things changed, and they changed fast.
2016 marked a complete 180 degree turn where I suddenly had no sense of self. Any gains that I had made coming out of high school were quickly ripped from my hands, and I quickly lost control of the steering wheel that was preventing me from crashing and burning. For all it has been so far, this year has been an interesting year.
About halfway through this year I was feeling unsatisfied with myself. Internal restlessness got me into countless fights and arguments with people, particularly those that I loved. It continued to spiral down and I kept scraping by, putting out fires as they came up and just barely making it. I hit a breaking point in August which I had talked about in-depth. But talking about it once was all I would do, and I pushed it to the side as an outlier case. I didn’t realize that just leaving it alone would be an issue.
Two weeks ago, I had a panic attack – two words that I hadn’t used in over a year. My anxiety went hand in hand with panic attacks, and I had my first one when I was 16. I had made incredible progress – or so I thought – until my world came crashing down once again.
Through counselling sessions and going to see a doctor, I have now accepted the fact that this is who I am: a highly sensitive individual with high functioning anxiety. I had denied it so much up until now, to the point where I was anxious about everything and getting anxious about being anxious. It’s a dizzying array of problems that have left me with little will to sleep but every will to find a way off this earth. And yet, here I am. My anxiety leads me to a number of physical tics that pretend to calm me down, like persistent scratching or ringing of hands, constant headaches and even throwing up.
But I’m not here writing this to look for sympathy. Trust me, I don’t even give myself sympathy. I guess what I am doing is offering a hand out to those who may be in a similar situation to let them know that I’m here, if you need someone to talk to. I’m also using this as a less destructive coping mechanism. If I end up helping one person aside from myself, I will be so happy to hear that.
I realize that some of this may have come off as unnerving or complaining or even concerning. I assure you all that while I have had suicidal thoughts in the past month, there has been no action and there will be no action. I am working with fantastic health care professionals that will help me get through this. All I ask for are some prayers and good vibes, and to be upfront with me if you ever want to ask anything. I’ll try my best to articulate it in the ways that I know how.