©2019 Rachel Wong.

With ten others like me

We press on like cattle headed to a slaughter

Aware of our final destination but

We know not if the usual

Monotony will be broken up with

The unusual exception

Or is it a usual exception?

The train breaks down so easily now

I roll my eyes at every

Message that plays over the intercom

The same droning voice telling us that there is

This broken or that delay

And I walk on

To get a pleasant view of bare necks

Like rolling valleys

They are everywhere

Eyes locked downwards, facing the floor

Staring into oblivion

Or is that Facebook?

Someone frantically swipes right

While other people crush candies

Sext their way through their commute

Is everyone mute?

It is unusually busy and yet

Eerily silent

commute

They tell me I’m still young 

It’s too early for me to be feeling this way

They ask me why I’m so stressed

Why I’m stressing out like this

You’re still young

You’re still a baby

With so much left to see and do

There is a whole world out there waiting for you

Why are you so hung up on this guy?

 

Like a revolving door

I have been rushing in and out

Running into the arms of someone who I thought was special

Then running out to find that I was horribly mistaken

And the in between

The spinning in circles

The losing myself in the carousel of what if’s and could have been’s

I fall in love with these people

Only to fall out of love with myself

 

They tell me I’m still young

So hold on, it’ll be alright

Just focus on yourself now

But I have been

At least I’d like to think that I have been

Focusing on what I want to do

What I want to achieve and where I want to go

Just so you know

I’m not to rearrange my life for one guy

I’m not going to turn my world upside down for someone who

Doesn’t deserve it

 

But at the same time

Doesn’t that seem

Kind of romantic?

 

Every time I get close to someone new

I begin to see things differently

With a different view

I see you

The athlete, the poet, the rock and roll nerd and the science geek

I see who you are

I want you to see me

I want to know if you feel the same emotions I do

I want to walk into your mind and see if I can 

Finally find someone who can relate to me the way 

I think I relate to each guy

That walks through the revolving door

 

I want more from this

I want to show people that I’m serious about this

I want you to know that I’m committed to this

But I keep running into walls

Stumble and fall

I want to meet someone who won’t hurt me

I don’t want to lose anymore than I have to

I wish I could be brand new

 

They tell me I’m still young

So why are you letting your heart be broken

By guys who don’t matter

Why are you letting yourself get

Sadder

Madder

More frustrated and angrier

More jaded and disdainful

You’re too young to be vengeful

 

But they’ve been telling me that I’m still young for

Years and years already

So I’m wondering

When will it finally be my turn?

 

Because despite the fact that the colours have faded

And I prefer to see the world in grey

Every so often someone comes around to try and prove me wrong

But when they don’t succeed the colours fade some more

I keep falling for the same lines and the same old games

Each time more sophisticated

With rules more difficult from the last

 

My turn never seems to come

It’s never in the cards and I seem to lose every time

But they tell me that I’m still young

So what does it matter?
You have all the time in the world

To fall in and out of love

To have your heart broken and to break a few of your own

To win and to lose and to break even and choose

How you play the next round

 

But maybe I don’t want to play

Another game of lost and found

Where through the revolving door comes another chance at

Love on the rocks with a big possibility of heartbreak

 

They tell me that I’m still young

But I tell them that I’m still waiting

For my turn in the sun

For my turn in a colourful world

For my turn to actually walk through a door

And fall in love without getting hurt

To fall in love and let that be it. 

they tell me I'm still young

Museums have it right.

Look, don’t touch

Stay behind the velvet rope

You break it, you buy it

Don’t deny it

You walk through life recklessly

Walking on eggshells but destroying everything in your path

Life is a museum

And the people are priceless statues

But sometimes we don’t care about their value

We walk into a room like we own the place

Pick the first one that appeals to us

Check out their body, their features, their face

Do they fit in or are they out of place

Will they fit in with me, my lifestyle

Who I am and who I want to be

 

I was told to look and not touch

Don’t break it, or else you will be stuck paying it off for the rest of your life

But I was careless with my actions and reckless with my emotions

I played out our infatuation like a worn out piano

Playing broken melodies out of chords so dissonant

I was tone deaf and blinded by my “love” for you

You reciprocated every motion

Like some twisted dance for two

I tried to keep up with you with every tempo change and fast step

And with every touch you pushed the boundaries

Created chaos in my brain and a bursting in my heart

Infatuation running through my veins

I was a statue that came to life

And you reached out and pushed me off the ledge

And here I am, trying to pay off the damage

 

I put you on a pedestal

Smooth like ivory and precious like gold

Your words were smooth and effortless

But they were also empty and weightless

I hoarded you like fools’ gold

I wanted every part of you

I wanted to grow old with you

At least, that was what we talked about

We would walk from room to room in our little museum

Taking in sweet domestic scenes and stormy scenery

Perhaps a sign of what was to come?

You would point out the strokes and I would be

Aroused at the colours that mixed together

Bright hues and conservative shades

That give me no clues or indication that

You would one day break my heart

Even after you promised me that you would be careful

 

Even after you promised that you would

Stay behind the velvet rope

Nothing ever stopped you though

No rules or signs or anything of the kind

You did what you wanted

You came and went as you pleased

You didn’t need me or anybody policing you

Because you didn’t care

All you wanted was my ivory body

You didn’t care what was within

So you came along and mistreated me

To the point where you broke me

Shattered in the middle of a velvet rope pen

With you running towards the door

Away from the responsibility

 

Who are you?

Where is the man I fell in love with?

Where is the one who promised to respect me

Who promised that he would respect the rules and play within the boundaries

Who are you?

You ran through our museum 

My fingers slipping away from yours

Until suddenly I was left all alone

Just a pile of shattered stone

Watching as you run from one statue to the next

Leaving in your wake brokenness from your disrespect

I am broken, but I will try to rebuild

Try to walk out of this museum without incident

museum

How do you go back to looking at someone

When you learn about the one thing they hid from you

When their smoke and mirrors

Catch up with your understanding and consciousness

In this great divide

I feel

A sense of loss and trepidation

You're still here but

I'm mourning the loss of who I remember

Someone who is kind and gentle

Who lessened my worries and carried me through fire

But you are the fire now

Everything burns around me

fire